((This exercise was posted in the SpaceBattles forum by [TedC], who posed the question: Could the Main Character from the movie "Gladiator" (Maximus Decimus Meridius) win fights against the four Main Characters of "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" (Jade Fox, Jen Yu, Siu Lien, and Li Mu Bai, respectively), given even odds in single combat? Various solutions to this quandary were posited. Here is mine, posted under the monicker [LighmAid].))

**********

[LighmAid]: Ahh, but what's a Kung Fu movie without subtitles?

*Round one* GONNNG*
Maximus: Aren't you a little old for this, Grandma?
Jade Fox: Smelly foreign Git! I'd feed you to my dogs, but I LIKE THEM TOO MUCH!

*HACK*CHOP*WHOOSH*CLANG*meatyTHUNK*

Maximus: Hey, this is hard. Fortunately it's just a scraaa....*THUMP*
Jade Fox: Get up so I can hit you some more, barbarian dog!

*Jade Fox administers an antidote*

Maximus: Gee, thanks! *SLICE* Stupid old broad.

*Round two*GONNNG*
Maximus: What is this, some kind of joke? She's not even wearing armor! I don't think she could even LIFT my armor!
Jen: Oooh, you sexist pig! I'll show you who's master here!

*WHOOSH*ZIP*SWISH*WHAPWHAPWHAP*

Maximus: Ow, stop! Hey, that tickles!
Jen: Oh...Oh, yeah?
Maximus: Man, I hate it when they cry. *WHAP*
Jen: Now I'm really mad! *snif* And I'm not crying! HIYAAAAA!
*Maximus sucker-punches Jen*
Maximus: Sheesh, what's next?

*Round Three*GONNNG*
Jen: A-HA!
Maximus: Oh, not you again.
Jen: Now you'll be sorry you treated me bad!
Maximus: Why? Are you gonna hit me with your diaper?
Jen: Smelly Foreign Git! I'd feed you to my dogs, but... uh, I don't have any!
Maximus: Whoa, deja vu. Didn't I beat up your wetnurse yesterday?
Jen: HIYAAAAAA!

*SWISH*WHOOSH*CLANG*tinkletinkletinkle*

Maximus: (looking at the remains of his gladius) Whoa. That's some sword you got there.
Jen: (grinning evilly) Yeah. And now I'm gonna kick your smelly butt!
Maximus: Ooh, look at the sun. Gotta go.

*HACK*SWISH*CHOP*THUD*SMACK*WHOOSH*POW*
*Maximus sucker-punches Jen AGAIN*

Maximus: Youth and beauty are no match for old age and treachery, cutie.

Cary Tagawa: Round Four: FIGHT!
Michelle Yeoh: Shut up, Cary! You're in the wrong Movie!
Russell Crowe: Oh yeah, Mortal Combat! Love that game!
Cary Tagawa: Sorry, Michelle! My Bad! (grumblegrumblestupid gaijin..)

*Cary Tagawa slinks off. Pause while everyone gets back into character*

*GONNNNG*
Siu Lien: Ah. The foreign Barbarian. I've heard of you.
Maximus: Really?
Siu Lien: No, actually you all look pretty much alike. Prepare to be defeated!
Maximus: Oh, are we fighting? I thought you were the half-time entertainment or something.
Siu Lien: Your barbarian insults and bad BO will not work on me, round-eyes! I am a hundred times better than you, trained in every weapon! You are just some lucky punk!
Maximus: Nothing wrong with luck. If you're done posing, let's fight.
Siu Lien: Okay! *takes another pose. Theme music starts up*
Maximus: *yawn* Anytime, really.
Siu Lien: HIYAAAAAA!

*SWISH*CHOP*WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK*WHOOSH*HACK*PUNCH*
*CRACK*WHOOSH*ZIP*SLICE*DODGE*CRUNCH*SNAP*WHAM*WHACK*
*SWISHSWISHSWISH*BONK*POCKETAPOCKETAWHANG*CHOP*SCRAPE*

Maximus (panting): Say, you're pretty good.
Siu Lien (also panting): So are you ... and strangely attractive, too.
Li Mu Bai: Siu Lien!
Siu Lien: Oh, you know, in a smelly barbarian kind of way. (pause) Not that I'm into that or anything.
Li Mu Bai: I'm about to get very upset!
Maximus: I'm just about out of sound effects. Shall we call it a draw? I know a slave bar around here that does great martinis.
Li Mu Bai: Siu Lien?
Siu Lien: Okay. Uh, Li? I'll be back later!
Li Mu Bai: Hey!
Siu Lien: Don't wait up!
Li Mu Bai: HEY!

*Round five*GONNNNG*
Li Mu Bai: At last we meet, foreign dog.
Maximus: At last! I thought maybe only women fought in China. Uh... you ARE a guy, right?
Li Mu Bai: I am the last person you will ever fight.
Maximus: Right?
Li Mu Bai: Shut up! I am a genuine, bona-fide Wudan hero. You are just a dirty pit-fighter with poor hygiene. You stole my girl. You beat up my protege...
Maximus (weakly): Right?
Li Mu Bai: ...Twice! But worst of all, you defeated my enemy! Jade Fox, the woman who murdered my master and swore to destroy the Wudan! I take that very personally!
Maximus: And that's bad?
Li Mu Bai: Shut up! That's very bad! You are a very bad man! Now I am forced to kill you!
Maximus: You were going to do that anyway.
Li Mu Bai: No, normally it would be beneath my dignity to kill someone as smelly and uncivilized as you. But this is personal!
Li Mu Bai (striking pose): Prepare to die!
Maximus: From what? Old age?
Li Mu Bai: You will find I am harder to defeat than the others! I do not telegraph my attacks by yelling, even when I am very angry! Like right now!

*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*SWISH*WHOOSH*SWISHSWISHSWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*SWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*

Maximus: Heh. Can't touch this.
Li Mu Bai: Your stupid anachronisms will not save you!

*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*SWISH*WHOOSH*SWISHSWISHSWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*SWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*

Maximus: Coward!!
Li Mu Bai: Who's laughing now?

*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*SWISH*WHOOSH*SWISHSWISHSWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*SWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*

Maximus: Not my fault. This armor is getting heavy!
Li Mu Bai: Let me fix that for you....

*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*SWISH*WHOOSH*SWISHSWISHSWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*SWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*

Maximus: I'll finish this now!
Li Mu Bai: If you insist.

*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSHWHOOSHWHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*SWISH*WHOOSH*SWISHSWISHSWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*SWISH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*
*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHOOSH*WHACK*ka-clang*

Maximus: Woops.
Li Mu Bai: Nice workout. Call me if you're ever reincarnated Chinese.
Maximus: *gurgle*